Welcome to Children's Church

Raising Confident Boys and Girls - By Victoria Tandoh

Myths and exaggerations abound when babies are born. People say things like, “Another boy, no peace for you then or Wahala!! With a girl it’s, “Poor dad, no football partners then!” as if men cannot communicate with their daughters.
We are often quick to stereotype children by their sex but what about focusing on the joys of bringing up boys and girls? As a parent you want to know how you can help each child become the best they can be without denying their natural gender tendencies which certainly do exist.

What boys are made of
Generally, I liken young boys to bears cubs. They are full of fun, bouncing, boisterous and a bundle. Young boys act first and think later (if you’re lucky). They find it a trial to sit still and concentrate and their brains are better at coping with facts, maths, maps, than with written and spoken language.
In general, reading, writing and language skills take longer to kick in for boys and reading people takes them even longer. Few people realise that girls are born, developmentally six weeks more mature than boys and by puberty the gap has grown to two years; yet we expect more of boys and ask them to act like “little men” when they’re not and cannot.
The best way to help boys grow up with self-esteem and confidence is to accept and work around their short attention spans, endless energy and to create lots of ways to help them feel capable and competent. If a boy is constantly told off for being noisy, clumsy, over competitive or naughty, he’ll feel frustrated and angry.
To get the best out of boys keep them occupied and avoid too many direct confrontations. You may lose out long term if you strive to win too many battles, as boys like to feel powerful.

What girls are made of
Girls tend to work hard to please and do well, yet still suffer self-doubt – so reward any sense of curiosity and adventure and don’t always expect your daughter to be “good’.
Encourage appropriate independence and don’t molly coddle her – self esteem based on her own capability and competence, not our attention, is the strongest kind.
My tips for building a girl’s self confidence are:

• Never put her down if she’s made a mistake
• Encourage her to make choices and follow her instincts
• Allow girl’s trinkets and frills but in the right place and not in school
• Communicate – explain what might happen and why, and ask for her view
• Teach her to be tough and not give up, so that she knows that being a girl doesn’t mean she can’t do something
• If you’ve put your career on hold to be a mum tell her about the job you once did.

Positive Role models
Children realise they’re a boy or girl at around two year old, from around seven years old; they start to act the part more consciously. Stereotypes are powerful. Boys often start by playing rough and tough and girls play at make-up, fashion and caring.
From this age, girls typically model their possible future on their mums, but boys can’t do this and don’t always have a guiding dad around to help. Both boys and girls benefit from a positive male role model who show an interest in them as this will help them learn how to make and keep trusting relationships. If you’re divorced from your child’s dad these tips might also help: (a) work to maintain contact with dad, (b) ask an uncle or male friend to share in child’s hobby/activity.