Mr. & Mrs. Uriah - Ituah Ighodalo 

Mr & Mrs. Uriah
Copyright © 2005 Ituah Ighodalo 

All rights reserved.  No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author and/ or publishers. 

Published by TIMELESS COURAGE PUBLISHING LIMITED
Block A, Plot 6, Redemption Crescent (Road Beside UPS), Gbagada/Oworonsoki, Expressway.  P.O. Box 15440 Ikeja, Lagos.  E-mail: ighodalo@infoweb.abs.net, ighodalo@nigol.net.ng 

ISBN: 978-36962-0-3 

All scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, Revised Standard Version, Copyright 1972 Thomas Nelson Inc.

Contents
                                                            Page   

Foreword                   …………………………………………………………        4

Introduction               …………………………………………………………        5                                                                                             
Chapter 1                   ………………………………………………………….       6

Chapter 2                   …………………………………………………….......         10                                           
Chapter 3                   …………………………………………………………..      13       

Chapter 4                   ……………………………………………………………    17                   

FOREWORD

In the course of my work in ministry as a marriage counsellor I have come to discover that a lot has been published and preached about the illicit relationship between King David and Bathsheba (Uriah’s wife).

None of these publications or messages has examined the cause of the illicit relationship from the perspective of the relationship that must have existed between Uriah and his wife Bathsheba.

In this relatively small and compact book, the author has been able to expose and highlight the somewhat subtle but apparent cracks in the marriage of Uriah and Bathsheba, which must have informed David/Bathsheba’s affair.  It also gives an insight into some of the foundational problems that were militating against Bathsheba and Uriah’s marriage.

It indeed makes for interesting and educating reading. I have no reservation whatsoever in recommending this book as a most welcome and informative addition to the library of marriage counsellors, pastors, married couples, intending couples and every one looking forward to getting married someday.

Yetunde Akinloye

2 Samuel 11:1-13

In the spring of the year, the time when kings go forth to battle, David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they ravaged the Ammorites, and besieged Rabbah.  But David remained at Jerusalem.  It happened, late one afternoon, when David arose form his couch and was walking upon the roof of the king’s house that he saw from the roof a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful.  And David sent and inquired about the woman.  And one said, “Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?”  So David sent messengers, and took her; and she came to him, and he lay with her.  (Now she was purifying herself from her uncleanness.)  Then she returned to her house.  And the woman conceived; and she sent and told David, “I am with child.”
            So David sent word to Joah, “Send me Uriah the Hittite.”  And Joab sent Uriah to David.  When Uriah came to him, David asked how Joab was doing, and how the people fared, and how the war prospered.  The David said to Uriah, “Go down to your house, and wash your feet.”  And Uriah went out of the king’s house and there followed him a present from the king.  But Uriah slept at the door of the king’s house with all the servants of his lord, and did not go down to his house.  When they told David, “Uriah did not go down to his house,” David said to Uriah, “Have you not come from a journey? Why did you not go down to your house?”
            Uriah said to David, “The ark and Israel and Judah dwell in booths; and my lord, Joab and the servants of my lord are camping in the open field; shall I then go to my house, to eat and to drink, and to lie with my wife?  As you live, and as your soul lives, I will not do this thing.”  Then David said to Uriah, “Remain here today also, and tomorrow I will let you depart.”  So Uriah remained in Jerusalem that day, and the next.  And David invited him, and he ate in his presence and drank, so that he made him drunk; and in the evening he went out to lie on his couch with the servants of his lord, but he did not go down to his house.

INTRODUCTION

The book of 2 Samuel Chapter 11:1-13 tells us of a very moving and life touching story.  It is a story of the relationship between King David and Bathsheba the daughter of Eliam who was up until that time married to Uriah the Hittite. A lot has been said by many preachers and Bible scholars about this story from the perspective of King David, a lot of them look at it from the perspective of success and temptation becoming a trap for leadership failure. A few other people have looked at the story from the point of view of Bathsheba i.e. the effect of a very attractive and compelling lady on a sexually active leader.

The perspective from which we want to study this story at this point in time is however from the point for view of an incompetent marriage and the effect that it could have on the lives of the various people involved.  The summary of the story is that at a time when Kings went to the battle, David sent his men and stayed back at home because he had now become a very successful King. However, physically and spiritually he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. As such events usually unfold he saw a beautiful lady having her bath, he lusted after her, sent for her and had an inappropriate relationship with her regardless of the fact that she was married to one of his soldiers who was at that time busy at battle for him.

A lot of people have blamed David for that relationship but I beg to say that he had a very willing partner in the person of Bathsheba. It did not take David too long to persuade Bathsheba to lie with him. The Bible says in 2 Samuel 11:4 that it was possible for David to lie with Bathsheba because she was prepared, i.e. the Bible says she was cleansed from her impurity, not only was she prepared but there is no record of her offering any resistance to David.

The problem started when the result of that one-night stand, or perhaps a continuous relationship (the Bible is not clear on this) ended up in a pregnancy and Bathsheba sent a message to David to let him know that she was with child. David’s reaction was to try and cover up his misdeed by setting up Uriah (Bathsheba’s husband) to be killed in the battlefront and thereafter taking Bathsheba as wife. It was a grievous sin against a fellow man and a great cruelty in the eyes of God.

The question however is what was Bathsheba herself thinking about? What was the problem she was having with Uriah? What kind of marriage or relationship did Mr. & Mrs. Uriah have? A lot of people especially ladies look forward to marriage and think that once they marry all their problems would be solved. Statistics has it that a lot of marriages have problems. As a matter of fact, in America, the divorce rate is about 55%.  A lot of other couples are living like strangers, sleeping in different rooms, following very different routines. Some couples go for as long as 9 months without any sexual interaction, some don’t even talk for weeks. A lot of people suddenly marry and find out that they have nothing in common, many a couple have regretted the day of their marriage and many are having extra marital affairs.

A long time ago there was a gentleman who could swear that his wife was totally faithful to him. All he knew was that he would take her from time to time to a certain house to borrow video tapes. She would go into the house, select the video, and be back in the car in all of 10 or 15 minutes. What the man did not know was that the house belonged to the wife’s boyfriend and that it did not take longer than 10 to 15 minutes to have a quick sexual affair.

I am also told of the story of another man who in his last will and testament left behind for his wife a broom stick and a potty, because he claimed that his wife had had an extra marital affair resulting in the birth of a child that was not biologically his own, even though the child bore his name and he had been responsible for looking after the child form birth.

A lot of marriages have major problems and what you find a lot of times are couples just managing to live together in mutual tolerance. Uriah and Bathsheba’s was no exception, they were having their own problems. It is my hope and belief that this book will offer you a different perspective to your relationship or perhaps help you to advise others.

Chapter 1

HOW DO I KNOW THAT URIAH AND BATHSHEBA WERE HAVING PROBLEMS?

The First reason was the ease with which Bathsheba had an affair. These days a lot of people are having affairs. In some families you have what they call an open marriage where the husband is doing this own thing and the wife is doing her own and they both know about it and allow it. When I was in school in England, I knew a lady who regularly brought her boyfriends and one night stands home to meet her husband, and the husband did not mind, some even spent weekends. I also know of a lady who cohabited with two boyfriends at the same time. Again sometimes you just have spouses who are just promiscuous, it might not be an open marriage and it is not permitted but the husband or wife can’t keep to each other. I am told that some husbands also permit their wives to have affairs with “Big Men” for financial or career reasons and huge contracts. At other times the reason is loneliness, yet at other times it was just a mistake that occurred in one fleeting moment of carelessness. It is safe to conclude that Bathsheba must either have been unhappy or dissatisfied with Uriah, probably did not love or respect him sufficiently or could not resist the allure of a rich and powerful king. Whatever the case, there was a problem.

The second reason is the fact that Uriah was reluctant to go home. When David asked Uriah to go home from the battlefront he didn’t. As far as he was concerned he considered it a “going down”; a kind of demotion and therefore did not go home. Going home for him was not exciting; he thought it, an act of disservice against his nation. A lot of couples do not realize that they are even having problems in their marriages. If a couple are not excited about one another then there is a problem.  If a couple start living in separate bedrooms then there is a problem.

When husband and wife live apart, the husband is working in one town and the wife in another then they begin to create room for problems and it doesn’t matter whether they have been married for twenty years.  When husband and wife start having different interests then the couple starts having problems. I know of a lot of marriages that have been threatened by distance, both in physical terms and in terms of differing interests and visions. The marriage of Mr. & Mrs. Uriah was under serious threat.

Chapter 2

WHY WAS THE MARRIAGE OF URIAH AND BATHSHEBA NOT WORKING?

There are many reasons why a marriage does not work and the marriage of Uriah and Bathsheba was not working for many reasons. We will look at a few of them.

• The marriage was against the will of God. Uriah was a Hittite while Bathsheba was a Jew. God had told the Jews specifically not to marry the Canaanites (Deuteronomy 7:1-4). If you marry against God’s will then you are bound to have problems. A lot of us when we were not born again Christians got married against the will of God and a lot of us even as born again Christians are still marrying against the will of God. 2Corinthians 6:14 says we should not be unequally yoked with unbelievers in marriage, business or social life. Marriages where spiritual strengths are not the same will have problems. If you are well advanced in Christianity and your spouse is a ‘baby’ Christian, except you are both growing at the same rate then you may have problems. A lot of Christian woman are having problems with their none Christian husbands, due to changes in outlook and attitude to life. Unfortunately some have not shown good Christian attitudes at home and therefore their husbands have not come to Christianity. However this is not to say that marriages that were conducted before people become Christians cannot work. It can and it does, provided both eventually find God or the one that discovers God first is willing to pay the price.

• They were from different backgrounds. Bathsheba was a princess of Israel while Uriah was a Hittite. You may be spiritually compatible but you may have different backgrounds; different families, different friends and different attitudes to life. We need to understand who we really are and what our backgrounds are.  Background is important because your attitude to life and the things of life must be similar for a marriage to work. Your understanding of issues must be similar. Communication might be difficult if the backgrounds are different. Social habits might also be different. It would be very difficult trying to make a marriage of different backgrounds work. That is why in Genesis 24 when Abraham wanted to choose a wife for Isaac his son, he asked the servant (i.e. the Holy Spirit) to go back to his country and to his kindred to seek an appropriate wife for the son.  Marriage is not a casual affair and should not be approached casually. It is better to remain single than to marry the wrong spouse. Many people have had their lives and careers terminated because of wrong marriage decision.

• They had different visions. Uriah had a vision to serve King and Country but Bathsheba was a woman in love with her own body and in displaying her assets.  A lot of couples live completely separate lives. There are also changing attitudes and changing circumstances in a marriage which some couples do not address.  Overtime and with age, people change. You have to change and adapt especially if your spouse has change. You have to watch the changes in your spouse, and adjust accordingly.

• They did not have any Children. Childlessness can be a source of stress in a marriage. Each partner will be blaming the other. A lot of couples remain in a marriage because they have children between them. Children can be a unifying force in a marriage and can destroy a marriage if absent. Childlessness can also make couples behave and act irresponsibly. When there is no binding factor in the marriage or no people to cater for, or set an example for, it may loose the cords of a delicately woven marriage. A friend of mine once told me that the reason why he stopped smoking was because he caught his two young boys 5 and 3 years old with cigarettes. When he told them to stop it, they accused him too of indulging.  All three had to come to a truce and an agreement, that there will be no cigarettes in the house.

• Their sex life was poor. There is no where it is written that Uriah went to sleep with his wife. Sex can be a problem whether it is too much or too little. 1 Corinthians 7:3-6 illustrates the importance of sex in a marriage. The attitude of a man to sex is different from that of the woman. The man is attracted by what he sees. The woman on the other hand is attracted by what she hears. Men need to tell their wives how exciting they are and how wonderful they are. The men need to celebrate their wives and tell them nice things. Women need to go out of their way to continuously look pleasing to their husbands and to remain fresh and exciting. I know of a lady who had such a poor sexual relationship with her husband and it was totally frustrating. When I asked her how they gave birth to their child, she replied that it must have been the one time in six or seven months that they had sex and God must have just had mercy on her. Sex in a marriage is extremely important, and should be taken very seriously. Couples need to go out of their way to find out about each other and how to build up a good sexual relationship according to the word of God.

• A lack of understanding of what marriage is about. A lot of people go into marriages with storybook ideas. We need to understand the whole concept of marriage. There must be authority and discipline in the house. 1 Peter 3:1-6 illustrates this. Women must respect their husbands and be submissive to them. A lot of women have problems with this especially when they are financially superior to their husbands. Men likewise must also love and respect their wives and treat them well. There must be no extra marital affair of any sort. Now an affair does not always necessarily mean another person. It could also imply another interest more compelling than the spouse, for instance, a job, a hobby, sports, an asset, a same sex friend or a social club or even the ministry. I know of men who love their cars and clothes much more than their wives.

• Presence of extramarital affairs. The presence of extramarital affairs automatically destroys the marriage. What the Bible says is that a man must love his wife as his won body. That means total and unconditional love (1 Corinthians 13). A lot of men do not understand this, they treat their wives as cooks and paid servants, there to do just their bidding. An attitude like that to marriage will not work. A lot of women have gone through marriage without ever having the fullness or satisfaction thereof. A lot of women are terribly unhappy and extremely frustrated. Uriah was having an affair with material things and the corridors of power. He was having an affair with his job. Uriah slept with everything else except his wife. Married men and women are having affairs with their ex-boyfriends and girlfriends, with their drivers and servants, with their children and brothers/sisters (both practically and metaphorically) and with all sorts of people. A lot of people are spending more time and having affairs with their careers, friends, sports/hobbies, social lives, ministries, religion, possessions and themselves than with their spouses. An affair in a marriage destroys, distracts, disturbs, displaces, displeases, disorientates, destabilizes, damages, dismembers, disjoints, is distasteful and leads to death. That was why Uriah had to die. Today, you have a chance to change the course and the destiny of your marriage and your life. You have a chance to decide that your marriage will not go that way. If you are married, you can change the destiny and the direction of your marriage and if you are not married you can determine that you marriage will not fail. If there is a crisis in your marriage, I would want you to pray very hard that the Lord will step into your situation. Tell the Lord that there is nothing He cannot do. Re-commit and re-dedicate your life and your marriage to God. Ask the Lord to give you the wisdom to cope with whatever it is you are going through in your marriage.

Chapter 3

WHAT THEN DOES ONE NEED TO DO TO ENSURE THAT ONE ENTERS INTO AND IS ABLE TO MAINTAIN A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP?

When looking at a thing in Biblical terms, there is a principle known as the principle of first mention. That is to say where a point is first mentioned in the Bible will possibly provide its most significant meaning. Marriage is first mentioned in Genesis Chapter 2 reading from verse 18 to the end. It is the first ever relationship between a man and woman and in there are some steps that God expects us to follow concerning the issue of marriage:

• Marriage is God’s idea. Genesis 2:18 says “and the Lord said.” He thought about it, had something in mind, designed it and set it up.  Before Eve was made, Adam was happy and content alone because he knew no better. The fundamental thing wrong with relationships today is that we do it our own way and not God’s way. We have all sorts of ideas and concepts of what it should be like. You cannot do it your way or the world’s way, you’ve got to do it God’s way for it to work and prosper. It was His idea.
• Marriage is for companionship. Genesis 2:18 also says “it is not good for man to be alone.” The first reason for a relationship is companionship and not anything else; unfortunately a lot of people go into marriages for every other reason than real and genuine companionship.

WHY DO PEOPLE GO INTO MARRIAGES?

• A lot of people go into marriage for sex or because they are sexually attracted.  The problem with that is that sex is a very ephemeral thing that can soon become routine and boring. It takes deep love and commitment to your spouse to make sex continually interesting.
• Other people go into marriage because every one else is doing it.
• Some say I am getting old or it compliments my present status, or I need someone to look after me or someone to foot the bills.
• Some people go into marriage just for children
• Some people go into marriage because it will enhance their career prospects. A wrong motive will give a wrong result. If you do not need a friend, or want a companion do not go into that relationship or that marriage.
• Another reason for marriage is for the spouses to help one another. Genesis 2:18 also says “helper comparable.” Your partner must be able to help you and add value to your life and vice versa. You cannot date a monkey because there is very little value the monkey will add to your life. That was why Adam tried all the animals and none was good enough. A lot of us end up with “human animals.”  When you call a man “a dog” you know what it means, or call a woman “a bitch”, you know where you are going. It is my prayer that we all end up with good helpers.

Chapter 4

SOME BASIC PRINCIPLES FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE.

Before you go into marriage these principles must be in place. They include:

• Maturity on the part of the partners. There is a depth of maturity regarding a marriage. Before Eve came, Adam was already a man and not a boy.  Marriage is for a fully-grown and matured man and not for boys and it for a fully-grown and matured woman not for girls.
• The partners must be filled with the breath of God.  The Man must be alive and filled with the breadth of God to be able to successfully marry (Genesis 2:7). Adam received the breadth of God and became a living soul. The man must be a living man which means that he is born again. Lots of relationships outside of Christianity are based on the wrong foundation and are not really working the way they should. If a man/woman is not truly born again or understand God, they cannot truly understand or appreciate marriage.

• Resources needed to sustain the relationship must be in place. Adam was already in Eden before Eve joined him. Everything you need to sustain a relationship must be available within the relationship and not far from it. A relationship should not be expensive or costly. There is bound to be conflict if a relationship is too expensive, or if you have to go far of outside of it to get things to sustain the relationship. You must be able to operate within your limits. Please avoid “high maintenance” relationship except you are very rich. A lot of marriages or relationships are based on financial considerations. I know boys who look out for high-class society ladies and girls who date a man because of the size of his wallet. For some women the more money spent the deeper the love. This is not necessarily so. I pray however you will not marry a miser. Men should learn to be generous to their wives with what they have.

A man must also have the following in place before he gets married: 

• A Home: A man must have his own place. It could be just a room or even a small flat but it should be his own or one on which he is the one paying the rent. A serious relationship needs a home that the man is responsible for. Couples living with parents can be very stressful.

• A Job: Adam had a job. A man must be doing something productive for God and humanity, and have a purpose and a vision.
• Be under God’s instruction: Genesis 2:16 says, “the Lord commanded.” You must be under the instruction of God to be able to successfully manage your marriage. Be ready to listen to God. Adam and Eve’s disobedience of God’s instruction, led to the first marital breakdown, quarrel, loss of face and dignity.  The devil will always test the relationship so we all need to be watchful.
• Have knowledge of how to survive in life: A man should have received the instructions for survival. The Lord told Adam not to eat of a certain tree. It means that every man needs to know what he needs to do to survive in life. A man who cannot survive cannot successfully manage a marriage.
• Have a vision: The man should have a vision. Do not get involved with a man who does not know where he is going or is unable to tell you where he is going or a woman who does not know what she wants.

A serious relationship is based on compatibility. This means that the people involved must be similar and have almost the same:  

• Background
• Education
• Upbringing
• Language
• Attitude
• Interests
• Ambition
• Vision
• Communication
• Intelligence

In any relationship you must be ready to see the faults, accept them, make excuses for them and move on.  Learn to love and love deeply.  How many are ready to be there always in good or bad, rough or easy, tough or smooth conditions, how many?  How many are living with imagination rather than dealing with reality, how many? A relationship is not for sex. It is not for pride or exhibition, or to prove oneself. It is for much more than that. A relationship is for the completion of an established man or woman. You see, marriage is a covenant till death.  What they say is “till death do us part.”  If it is so dangerous then a decision concerning it should not be taken lightly.  Everyone has a right to happiness and marriage can be a great source of happiness if done right. It is my prayer that the Lord will make us of quick understanding and enable us to do the right thing and do things right.

The Bible begins and ends with a marriage.  It begins with the account of the marriage of Adam and Eve and ends with the marriage of the bride the church, to Christ the heavenly Bridegroom. In this book, which uses the Biblical account of the marriage of Uriah and Bathsheba as a pilot, the oldest social institution comes under deep scrutiny and introspection. Pastor Ituah treats the major reasons why marriages are having problems, the types of problems involved and the basic principles for ensuring and maintaining successful relationships. The book offers help to those who might be having challenges in their marriages and is also suitable as a guide for those involved in marriage counselling or wishing to advise others.